Today I went to check the result for my mid semester exams. So far the result of 2 out of the four papers were out and I got crescent for both papers TT^TT
My performance is bad...probably because my heart is not here anymore. I hate to admit it, but I continued my study in the university basically because my parents insisted on it and I know it's be hard for me to get a job later if I don't have any paper qualification. What a world....
But if I quit my study, I don't know what can I do. I don't have any particular talent, gift or business mind or things like that so I figure that by studying at least I have something though I don't have that much interest in it.
Back in high school, I graduated as the top student for my batch, though it was nothing big, considering the school I went to was a school full with students that only came to school because their parents didn't want to get sued for not sending their kids to school. I entered the school after my family moved to the place when I was 15 entering 16.
I pretty much hated the school, the environment and everything in that place. Basically it was because I had to leave my friends in my old school. It wasn't easy for me to make friends nor did I have lots of friends, but those friends were the closest friends I only had. So, when I left them in the old school, I felt a deep sense of loss and that was the beginning of me developing a sense of security in being alone. As much as people dislike being alone, I actually enjoyed the last two years of my high school by myself.
My family? I didn't bother about them, mainly because my parents were the main reason why we moved, part of my father's work and some issues they got into back in our old place. So it was fair to say I hated them at the time. I even begged my father to let me stay and I even considered staying by myself if I had to but my mom strictly said no. "Why must you comply to all her words?" That was what she told my father when my father told her about me wanting to stay. And I didn't talk to my mom so much after that for about 2-3 years.
So after we moved to the new place, I secluded myself from everything. I never went out with my family and almost every night for the first few months, I cried myself to sleep. What I felt at the moment was, when I finally managed to get people to become closer to me, there would be something that would break us apart.
I only went out for school or my tuition class. Even at school, I told myself not to get involve in anything and I have to study hard to get out of that place to return back to my old place. So I did. It was funny because when I was in my old school, it was a clustered school where people really compete to enter and maintain in the school but I didn't bother about studying back then. And when I was in the school of troubled students and delinquents, I studied like hell and practically ignored everything in the school and studied.
So after the final exam for high school, I managed to get a very good result and came in first for my batch, which didn't really surprise me at all. I even got an award, which I'm not sure what was the award for, so I didn't really bother.
What happened at that time was, when the result was announced, my parents had a nasty fight for a few days and my mom left home for quite some time. My father told me he'd come but later he said he was too pre-occupied with the problem with my mom and he couldn't make it.
So I drove to the school and went to the graduation ceremony alone. Can you imagine, you were the top student in the school and you went to get the award all alone while the person below me came with their parents, looked very proud and happy.
I came quite late to the ceremony, blame my eyes for crying and ended up swollen on the day of the ceremony. When I entered the school gate, the compound was empty but I was surprised to see my headmistress waiting for me by herself and she congratulated me with a hug. It was ironic how my mom and dad weren't there for me, instead a stranger filled in the emptiness they left.
As I sat by myself in the hall, I never felt so lonely in a place full of people. Even when my name was announced, I didn't feel happy at all. I just wanted to go home to my bed as fast as I could. As soon as the even ended, I tried to hurry home but one of the school counselor asked me to take my picture so I just let her took my photo. Later I heard the school made a banner from that picture and hang it around school. I made a mental note not to ever step a foot into that school again.
No one really know how hard I cried as I drove home and deep down inside of me I felt like all my effort to get good grades and perform well in studies were in vain. Why should I even bother about it any longer? For me, those two years were the hardest and loneliest out of my life.
Until now, I never bother about good grades or to perform well in my studies. As long as I pass, it's good enough for me. I don't ever want to go through the same feeling again. People looked at you admiringly, but the close people around you, never bother about it. So, what's the point of doing it again?
Graduation picture is supposed to be like this, not like mine.
And luckily, I never came across that graduation picture so far. Hopefully I won't ever.
